Three simple rules for weddings

Most people already know these rules. In fact, I am pretty sure I knew these rules. However, it doesn’t hurt to make them explicit, preferably before you might consider violating the following rules. With no further ado:

1) While at the reception, just because there is unlimited draft beer doesn’t mean you need to drink ALL of it
a. Especially if most other people aren’t
b. Especially if you are flying out early the next morning (note: this sub-rule had been previously established but apparently needs to be reinforced)
c. Especially if you don’t have a defined place to stay the night
2) While at the reception, you probably shouldn’t hit on the groom’s sister
a. Especially if you are staying at his (and therefore her) parents house
b. Especially if you are inebriated enough to not notice which particular words are coming out of your mough (again: I think this rule was previously existing, although not with the desired specificty)
3) While at the groom’s parents house after the wedding, you really shouldn’t say how you were trying to hit on said sister
a. Especially on your cell phone in front of the aforementioned parents
b. Especially once she’s home
c. Especially when she stumbles in drunk and is puking in the bathroom

So, there are three simple rules, and helpful sub-clauses, to make attending a wedding simple and easy. I think Wedding Crashers would have reminded me about these rules but I was too lazy to ever see it. All I know is it is 8am, I just got three hours of sleep after drinking at least three pitchers of beer, and I’m currently waiting for my head to explode at the airport.

Note: this will surely be edited once I get home and am at least somewhat recovered

I wrote this in the airport and I’ll keep it because it’s almost funny. Here is a grainy digital photo of her back so that she remains safely anonymous on the internet. Since she’s in Minneapolis, I can safely have a giant crush on her without having to worry about running into her and trying to say something witty.

I talked to the groom this afternoon and I seem to have escaped without any permanent damage. Hopefully, the forty-five minutes I spent telling his parents how wonderful he is managed to cancel out the forty-five seconds of lewdness.

9 thoughts on “Three simple rules for weddings”

  1. Unfortunately, forty five seconds of lewdness or even basic flirting will live forever in the minds of the parents of one of the involved. Whether they are your parents or her parents, it will be filed away for a rainy day.

  2. Yea, I liked the photo because I thought it was extra cheesy. I have pictures from the front but I like the extra tabloid touch of getting to circle her head.

  3. I wish there was something that I could add to this but I think Chuxles already summed it up. Well, except the ‘hot back’ comment. Her back, in my opinion, looks rather troll like.

  4. After a weekend like that, we should be trying to build up his confidence so he will try somethiong similar at an event in the future. Hopefully, we will be able to attend that one and watch the hilarity unbound.

  5. Ouch

    I can only say that you are very wrong, nacho, much like your pseudonym. Do not speak badly of my new crush. I haven’t made a single monkey joke.

    I seem to be destined to repeat these same mistakes every so often. The real saving grace is that these wedding things don’t happen too often, at least not ones I am invited to…

  6. The wedding crush. Nothing is worse than that. If you don’t make your two hour window for an instant connection, before you even find out if she has a boyfriend, she is gone, flown away to some riduclous locale, very far away from civilization, and more importantly you. Perhaps you exchanged e-mails, but that would never work, and she probably had the gall to laugh at your jokes and appear like and angel of lovliness in her tasteful yet sexy attire.

  7. fulsome is the only guy I know who has yet made the email connection over state lines turn into a relationship that invloved presumed humping. Even though that is now over, he still did it. I have faith in his ability to pull via email.

  8. Wow, I hadn’t realized we were in the presence of a master.

    You have my complete resepct and admiration, fulsome!

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