Thursday, May 23, 2013


Where the fuck is fulsome while all this SCIENCE is happening?

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Screw All You Jerks, I Like John Carter

On Viewing: I had no need to justify spending thirty bucks on two 3D tickets to see John Carter.  The movie was fun, funny at times, not overly sappy, and had great action scenes.  The aliens looked cool, the monsters were well done, and you could really see where the money went. The action was fun, the plot worked, and I never felt bored.

Reaction to the Reaction: John Carter‘s box office success, or lack thereof, became a self-fulfilling prophecy.*  People worried about the cost of the m0vie before it debuted, and then flamed it hard when the movie failed to earn back all 250 million dollars in the first weekend.  Unless you happen to be a  studio exec, box office numbers should never determine the quality of a movie.**  Ahem, Titanic, cough.***  People started crowing about how no one was going out to see the movie, and crowds stayed away.  I forget sometimes that people are people, and have this stupid tendency to forget to act as persons.  “If no one else is seeing that movie, then I won’t see it either because if it were good, then people would be paying to see it.”

We’ve seen this before in political reporting.  If a candidate falls behind in fundraising, that becomes the story of the campaign until people are walking away from their preferred candidate because they are being told that candidate isn’t raising enough money.  I’ve seen a similar phenomenon happen in guild recruiting for online games.

I am not a rabid Burroughs fanboy, I would be surprised if that was even a group larger than ten, but I liked this movie.  I have never read the original books, and have been failing to find them for months in used book stores, but I have known of them for years.  I don’t know where I first saw some artist’s vision of Dejah Thoris, but it was probably a Boris Vallejo picture in Dragon Magazine.****

David Denby of the New Yorker spends the first paragraph of his review asking all the wrong questions:

…a battle between two warring cities populated by humanoid figures, the gentle Heliumites and the nasty Zodangans.  Immediately, we’re lost. Who are these people?  Why do the warriors fight with swords while winged battle cruisers, looking like oversized mosquitos, rain down death from above?  Is this an advanced civilization or a primitive one? All right, it’s both, but how do the two fit together?

To use a tired but effective example, I will substitute information for Star Wars and we will see if these questions are valid:

…a battle between two warring political groups populated by humanoid figures, the good Rebels and the evil Imperials.  Immediately, we’re lost. Who are these people? Why do the warriors fight with laser swords while winged battle cruisers, looking like oversized pizza slices, rain down death from above? Is this an advanced civilization or a primitive one? All right, it’s both, but how do the two fit together?

Your review is bad, and you should feel bad, David Denby.  These questions are all answered within the frame of the movie, and you shouldn’t require the plot to be laid out for you in the first two minutes.  Plots unfold, like flowers in spring or a woman’s clothing after a great date.  Yes, on the internet you can see pictures of flowers, and women, and skip ahead to read all the spoilers you want, but that is your choice and the director is not required to lay it all out for you in the first thirty seconds.

One paragraph in the six you wrote reviewing this movie was spent in truly reviewing it.  Your first paragraph asks stupid questions, your second complains about the look of the aliens and being confused about the rather simple war at the center of the plot, your third seems to be a complaint that the film is science fiction and not a lame romantic comedy (Of fucking course the two heroes approach each other warily, they have no reason to trust anyone and every reason to suspect everyone.), your fourth paragraph is a complaint about the source material and the fact that only men seem to like making movies about stuff they liked as children (So fucking what? Maybe movies would be better with Penny Marshall directing a Wonder Woman movie.), your fifth paragraph finally talks about the movie itself, and your final complaint focuses on the fact that the movie may rake in cash overseas like the most recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie.  As much as I want the Pirates movies to go to hell with a quickness, I hope that John Carter does well enough to spite you and everyone else who panned it.  I liked it, and I want to see more.

The Numbers:

$179,300,000 (Worldwide) (19 March2012)

John Carter’s numbers from IMDB.

2. Wrath Of The Titans ($34 million)

[Total: $34 million | WW: $112m | Budget: $250m]


Final Words: John Carter is a fun movie that science fiction fans will be sad that they didn’t see in the theaters, and others will live their lives breathing through their mouths while lining up to see fucking Titanic.  AGAIN.

*There are no other kinds of prophecy, but clarity is paramount.

**If you do happen to be a studio exec, go borrow George Lucas’ rusty pinecone.

***Titanic was the biggest earning, utterly pandering, boringly predictable movie ever made, until Avatar.

****Frank Cho makes no apologies for anything.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I found my blog keys

They had gotten lost in one of those pesky tubes. Sorry about that…

I will try and think of something worthwhile to tell you but I first wanted to reassure Chuckles and dEn that the FBI hasn’t forgotten about their pet issue…
FBI zombies smaller

Friday, March 30, 2007

Upcoming Movies, or Chuckles Tosses Probably Undeserved Bile on Warner Brothers

While performing actual work today, I stumbled across some interesting information on a number of movies that Warner Brothers is either working on or shelving. (more…)

Friday, March 9, 2007

Half-Assed Mockery

From the horse’s mouth:

n that regard, Martin Heidigger was a German philosopher and a student of Husserl. I was introduced to Heidigger in college in a way that has colored my limited exposure to his philosophy. I will do some research and then present my findings to this forum in one week’s time. I will also present a followup in one month’s time.

I say this because if I don’t, you are all free to mock me mercilessly for being a lazy ass.

If you look at the post preceding this, I think it is easy for us to all agree that a post saying “Research is hard” does not really meet the minimum qualifications for a post relating to the thought of Heidegger. As a result, and combined with the fact that today is Friday and therefore I am less inclined towards real work, I was trying to come up with a contest along the lines of Pinko’s (in)famous examples.

Half-assed powerpoint
So…allow me to unveil this gem. Chuckles is so half-assed he can’t sit straight. That’s right, another ripped from the 3Bulls! multiverse insult stream. I think there might be some people out there who are playing along at home and don’t even know it!

Thursday, March 8, 2007

That Heidegger Post I Said I Was Going To Write

Martin Heidegger states this idea nicely: “Profound boredom, drifting here and there in the abysses of our existence like a muffling fog, removes all things and men and oneself along with it into a remarkable indifference. This boredom reveals being as a whole.”

Wikipedia is not an acceptable primary source. Yes, this means that I am still gathering information. I did some work and have since realized that I need to read a few books before I can accurately comment on Martin Heidegger’s complex political situation, even the brief version that was given to me as an introduction to Heidegger’s existentialism.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

A Joke About DRM in Pictures

Some people will never understand the internet or the potential for it to become the tool by which we come together as a species, or whatevs. In any event, I post some pictures of the DRM future that just may be on the horizon if Fair Use goes the way some groups want Net Neutrality to go.

Some masterpieces are just totally inappropriate for sensitive eyes and ears. And by sensitive, I don’t mean children, I mean those religious loons of all sorts that can not abide seeing their icons portrayed in a way that differs from their own personal vision. The irony of idolatry is lost on so many.Dead christ

Whoah now, Jesus. You may be dead and all but bulges are not allowed.

David Modded

Here we have given David a sporty little bathing suit as befits the style of the time. We encourage future generations to alter their internet archives to upgrade the banana hammock to a full pair of shorts and eventually to a suit that exposes only the most modest toes and fingers.


It was about time someone gave this man a pair of shades and a set of nuthuggers.

Some of you may wonder about the exact point of this seemingly fucking lame post. These icons of enlightenment and so many others are really, really old. Like older than your mom old. The actual generations of the future will likely only ever see them as flickering images on their eyelids or super-duper High Definition 3-d televisions, provided they aren’t too busy watching Ow My Balls. Hell, I’ve never seen anything by Da Vinci in real life. I have seen replicas and stuff in travelling museums by him and other masters of art, but I’ve never experienced the majesty of the Sistene Chapel, experienced the enigma of Mona Lisa, the Hidden City, Ankor Wat, those nifty churches and citadels carved into the living rock in Ethiopia or the School of Athens. I have seen videos of the results of religious fanatics that destroy icons that don’t fit their view of the world. I have seen great works of stone and iron destroyed by those that refuse to allow others to coexist.

Some of you might think I am exagerrating the situation but I say, Free and Fair or Fuck it. If we can’t let the greatest acheivement of our species unleash it’s full potential, we might as well burn it like we did the Library of Alexandria or the Library of Celsus. We certainly haven’t learned anything in the last 2000 years.


In addition to certain unnamed projects to which I will only refer cryptically, I am eagerly looking forward to any news about the film production of World War Z. The book was amazing and awesome and so many other words and now that I have heard that the script is being written by Mr. Babylon 5, J. Michael Straczynski, I am in full on pants-checking anticipatory mode.

The Zombie Survival Guide was really damn neat and thoroughly consistent in ways that I enjoy when reading books or watching movies. World War Z kept that consistency and tossed in a heaping helping of emotion and tension. It was sweeter than a pile of ponies ridden by baby pandas, but if sweet meant super rad and not like the kind of sweet that seems to have infected 3 Bulls of late.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I Couldn’t Have Said It Better

Alternate title: Perhaps they should examine each quote before using it in an ad campaign

thoughts on the Oscars

Friday, February 2, 2007

Aqua Teens threaten the nation?

I got this story e-mailed to me three times today. It is clearly on my readers’ minds and I want to take a second and address the issue. As anyone who has ever seen ATHF knows, Boston police were completely correct to realize that Ignignokt and Err are grave threats to humanity.

Everything they do should get them arrested. And here they are flagrantly demonstrating profanity in public places with batteries and wires attached to them. Batteries and wires can easily become a bomb! It’s true, I saw it on MacGyver and I think the A-Team did it too. Hopefully, I won’t have to testify as one of the few confirmed witnesses to seeing these aliens (illegal, I’m certain!) out in public.

As a pre-emptive PSA I want to make you all aware of this other thing that could otherwise be abused to make unwitting people and security officers think there was a bomb when that is not at all the case.

UPDATE: Winners and still champions.